[during sex]

Me: hurt me

Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows

Me: wait

Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure

— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 19, 2019

pee after sex or you will get a tgi friday’s

— coolbutpoorguy (@coolbutpoorguy) July 18, 2018

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

— butters (@yung_butters) July 8, 2019

i’m tryna have sex so rough that the earthquake is shook

— Tana Mongeau (@tanamongeau) July 6, 2019

How parents go from “Sex is bad” to “I want grandkids”?

— Delanté Cherry (@delantecherry) December 25, 2018

Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing

— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013

This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?

— Gunnar Stahl (@abcdefgeewiz) September 15, 2011

jake gyllenhaal is so weird i feel like the actual reason he and taylor broke up is because he barked during sex

— char (@brooklynbroke) July 6, 2019

My favorite sex position is when someone makes a playlist for me

— m (@them_splaining) July 3, 2019

This Father's Day, make sure you hook up with an older man who has the same name as your actual father.

— Hugh McIntyre (@PopBangHugh) June 16, 2019

Girls be tryna have sex for hours… first of all sweetheart, I have asthma

— jay (@fatherjstn) September 28, 2017